What thrills me most, though, is finally standing up on a Sunday morning and sharing with others something true about my journey. Last week I spent a lot of time exploring notions of "God" and "God's will." I wasn't sure how it would go. In a UU church bringing up the "G-word" can sometimes be like eating a Double Whopper at a Weight Watcher's meeting - even those who secretly long for it are pretty sure they shouldn't. So I was pleasantly surprised by the reaction of our congregation to my message.
I realized last Sunday that much of what I like to do for fun (act, speak, write, cook) involves doing or producing something that will be shared by others. Naturally, I want others to enjoy what I do or produce - that's a big part of why I do it. But I wonder sometimes if there is a little, lonely part of me that just wants approval. "Great job, Brad!" "Wow, this tastes great." "How did you learn all those lines?" "Where do you come up with these ideas?" Because I am a person, and not a machine or a mathematical formula, I'm sure that the need for approval is there at some level. Maybe someday I can live without being buoyed by the positive approval of others or crushed by their disapproval, if only I work hard enough to shed "attachments" that I've fine tuned for more than 50 years. Or maybe that is for another lifetime.
In the meanwhile, I realized this. What actually floats my boat is to be connected to others, really connected. I'm talking about "I can feel the energy flow between us" kind of connected. When I act in front of an audience or speak to a group, and it is going well, there is a connection and an energy exchange that is palpable and wonderful. The same is true during the "communion" shared by friends or family and me sitting around a table and enjoying food I have prepared. Far from being the psychological roadblock that a need for approval is, the creation and enjoyment of this connection with others feels totally aligned with my mission, my essence, my reason for being. No wonder I feel alive when I spend time on certain activities and dead when I spend time on others. On a soul level this "living-dying" dichotomy is true.
The key, I think, is to give up the need to receive validation of one mask or another from others and cultivate a way of living that garners recognition of true self from others. As hard as it is for plain old middle-America Brad to do this, how much harder it must be for celebrities to do it. How easy it must be for them to succumb to all the addictive idolatry thrown their way. Often stuck on a sound stage or recording studio or captured by paparazzi every minute of the day, how hard it must be for them to find moments of true connection with others. When I think of the death of Michael Jackson yesterday, for causes yet to be determined as I write this post, I am struck by the tremendous burdens of celebrity that he bore and grateful for the daily opportunities I am given to be real and connected.
I'm doing my "God's will" (Double Whopper) sermon at another UU church tomorrow. As I approach the podium I plan to place my order with God (or whatever spiritual short order cook the universe has to offer) as follows: "One order of connection, please, and hold the approval. Oh, and super-size that."
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