Over the last six months, the metamorphosis I began a few years ago intensified and shifted. Almost every morning I get up early to have "Brad time," an hour and a half or so of time to read, meditate, do Sudoku, drink tea, and establish an intention for my day. (I wrote more about this in an earlier post; see "In the Morning Hours" posted on December 13, 2008.) In contrast to the years I spent rushing headlong into my work day, this morning time gives me an opportunity to slow down. I get to "be" for a bit before I "do."
Despite the calming influence of my morning time, but perhaps because of the avenues of introspection it offers, I began the year deeply unsettled. I felt alone, lonely, cut off, somewhat depressed. I needed only to think of my Dad, dead since Halloween of 2006, to tear up and ache in my heart. The news that I received from my daughter in the late winter, that she was expecting a baby this summer, filled me with joy on the one hand, but intensified my malaise on the other. How could this be?
I finally figured it out when, at the urging of my friend Alan, I decided to start the ten week regimen of the "Presence Process." The Presence Process
is described in the book of that name by Michael Brown. It is not particularly difficult to do, but it does require patience and commitment. For ten weeks a person is asked to do "continuous breathing" (aka meditation) for 15 minutes first thing in the morning and last thing at night, read materials in the appropriate chapter of the book, and keep an activating statement in mind whenever possible. The Process is designed to take one backwards first through the body, then through the mind, and finally into one's emotions, the very stuff of life for infants and young children. The Process is not an exercise in blame, but an opportunity to understand, feel, forgive, cleanse, love, and respond (rather than react).What I discovered in the Process was this (and it was a visceral, not mental, discovery): a profound gratitude to my parents for the love they gave me, a better understanding of what they couldn't give me (or what I thought they couldn't give me), compassion for them in the many ways that their lives were unfulfilled, and a sense of peace in my relationship with them. I also discovered a better understanding of how my own emotional struggles impacted my daughters, generating emotional experiences for them that will affect them throughout their lives. The next time through "The Presence Process" I hope to find the means to forgive myself for the many ways I failed to act out of the unconditional love I have always had and will always have for them.
My granddaughter was born this last Wednesday. She is beautiful and my love for her was both immediate and complete. When I was telling Shayla about my granddaughter at the farmer's market this morning (Shayla is one of the farmers), Shayla said, "This is a whole new phase of life for you. It will be wonderful." Maybe by being in touch with the earth Shayla is particularly in tune with the energy of those she meets. Or maybe, fresh sprung from the chrysalis, I am still glistening with soul as my wings get ready for flight.
